


Drums Beating in my Chest.

by sagelabyrinth



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jkjk, Male-Female Friendship, Maybe Mooooore??, Panic Attacks, unless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-30 05:10:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagelabyrinth/pseuds/sagelabyrinth
Summary: Carisi has a lot on his plate. It's overwhelming.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Drums Beating in my Chest.

It starts off small at first. Just a nagging voice in the back of his head telling him he's forgotten something, something very important. But he hasn't, he's sure... But he still doubts himself.

Sonny manages to push the voice away, just for a little while, and it's bliss.

But the voice comes back, and this time it's brought along a friend; dry mouth.

Sonny thinks it's no big deal, he grabs a cup of water from the water dispenser Amanda had gotten him as a parting gift for his new office. It was nice, and handy, apparently.

The dryness of his mouth slowly subsided, but the nagging in his brain persisted. He combated this by double-- triple-- checking his paperwork. Everything was in order, nothing was left out.

If nothing was left out, why is his stomach filled with dread?

"Calm down, Sonny." he said to himself. Sonny closed his eyes and took big deep breaths, a technique he picked up in adolescence.

Deep breaths worked... For a while.

Sonny tuned back into reality when he realized he his heart was pounding, like drum beats against his chest. He isn't sure how long it's been this way. He stands up and walks around, an attempt to calm down.

The beats turn into crashes inside his skull, his ears are ringing and everything is muffled.

Sonny's legs and hands are trembling now, he has to sit back down. He can't make it close enough to the chair in time, he collapses on the floor.

He pushes himself up against the wall and puts his hand over his mouth, trying to regulate his breathing.

_You're not good enough, Sonny. You'll never be enough. All those women, they needed you, and you let them down. What kind of lawyer are you? Can't even prosecute a case correctly. Not to say you were a much better cop, either. Letting that guy fall down? You had him! You had him right in your hands! And you let him die. You let him go._

_You're a failure. You'll never last here._

_You're nothing._

_Worthless._

_Pathetic._

"Carisi?" a woman's voice lures him away from the darkness of his thoughts.

Amanda.

"Carisi, I've been calling you for ten minutes."

His heart thumps faster, faster, _faster._

"Sonny, Jesus..." she trails off. Amanda puts her bag down on the floor and rushes over to his side.

Sonny flinches away from her touch. He doesn't mean to, it just... happens.

He hiccups and continues to puff out uneven breaths.

He's crying now, too, he can tell by the worried and unsure expression on Amanda's face. She never was great with vulnerability.

"Sonny, listen to me, listen to my voice," 

She sounds farther away now like he's inside a tunnel.

She touches him again, but it's not soft this time, it's pressured. He flinches away and struggles at first, but succumbs to the comfort the pressure brings.

"Listen to me, okay? Breath. In... Out... In... Out..."

She continues to time his breathing, and he listens to her.

Eventually, he calms. The drum beats of his heart cease and his breathing is even. Sonny hiccups every now and then, wiping his tears of stray tears that have yet to vanish.

And the two sit there. Sonny on the floor, Amanda with her arms wrapped tightly over his chest.

"I'm okay..." he announces quietly.

Amanda loosens her grip, but Sonny wishes she hadn't.

"Are you?" she smally chuckles, "Sonny, are you okay? I mean, not to point out the obvious but I found you crying on the floor of your office."

The words hit him.

Was he okay, really?

"I..." he struggles to find words. He's tired, his brain is filled with cotton balls.

"You had a panic attack." she finished for him.

Sonny gave her a curious look, "Felt like I was having a heart attack."

"Yeah," she sighs softly, "they feel like that."

"It sucks."

Amanda couldn't help but laugh. Sonny slowly joined in, too.

The laughter died down and the two sat in comfortable silence.

"I'm sorry," Carisi said suddenly. He was tired, Amanda knew. His accent always got thicker when he was tired.

She pursed her lips and gave him a curious look, "What for?"

"Worryin' you," he yawned and rubbed his eyes.

Amanda smiled to herself, "Don't be," she groaned as she slowly stood up, "Come on," Amanda stuck her hand out for Sonny to take, "Let's go. I'll cook you something, you should eat."

Sonny looked at her from the floor and chuckled, "You can't cook," he took her hand and stood, "I'll buy a pizza."

She narrowed her eyes at him, "We'll split it, counselor."

They made their back out of the office and outside to Amanda's car.

It was cold outside, but Sonny enjoyed it. He had left his coat at home when he left this morning, seeing as it was warmer then. But the night's coldness refreshed him, he took a big breath of air and let the crispness fill his lungs.

It hadn't taken long for the pair to get the pizza and go back to Rollins' apartment. Sonny was thankful for that, too. He had a long day and was really craving some baby time.

"They should be awake," Amanda announced in the elevator.

Sonny looked confusedly, "Hm?" 

"The girls," she smiled, "I know you want to see them."

Sonny huffed out a laugh, "Am I that predictable?"

Amanda hesitated and nodded her head, "Mmm, yeah. You are."

They shared a laugh and went inside.

"Uncle Sonny!" Jesse exclaimed, running towards him with open arms.

He scooped the kid up with an exaggerated "Uph!" and hugged her tightly, "Hi, sweetie."

Amanda thanked her sitter as she left and set the pizza on the table, "You hungry, Jess?" she asked.

"Uh huh!" Jesse replied and squirmed free from Sonny's arms.

They all ate their food in comfortable silence until Billie started fussing in her crib, "I'll get 'er." Carisi jumped up.

Amanda heard shushing over the baby monitor and her baby's crying died down. She announced to Jesse that it was time for bed and went to get her ready.

They passed Sonny and Billie laying on the couch, both with sleepiness evident in their eyes. She smiled at them and Sonny smiled back.

After getting Jesse to get dressed and brush her teeth, the kid was out like a light in seconds. Amanda sat and watched her sleep for a while.

Sometimes she couldn't believe that her life was like this. Two wonderful kids and a job she adores. But she feels something is missing.

"Hey, Sonn--" Amanda started to call out for him, but she saw Sonny and Billie passed out on the couch. Billie tucked neatly into the crook his Sonny's shoulder.

It was then Amanda knew just how lucky she was to have Sonny in her life.


End file.
